I Don’t Want A Relationship And No It’s Not Because I’m In My 20-something’s.

Have you ever told anyone you don’t wanna relationship or marriage and they give you “the look”. All of us single enthusiasts have seen that look. It’s the look of “oh you want to be a whore all of your life and chase thrills” but their mouths say “oh, I completely understand”. They don’t. What they mean is “I have previously viewed you as a woman who cooperated with society but now I see you as less than and I just want you to be comfortable in your stance”.

So why do people hate women who don’t want to be in relationships or be married? Do we no longer have a reason to be in society? Are we useless to the world now? Because that’s ultimately what people think. What makes a woman is having kids and being a wife, said society & religion since the beginning of time.

Well, I am a 24 year old who just doesn’t see the appeal in relationships. I don’t hate men (most of the time), I don’t want to continuously relive my early 20’s, I’m not power hungry. I just simply don’t see the appeal of being with the same exact person for an extended period of time. But I wasn’t always like this. I actually was one of those girls you see on Twitter that post how she can’t wait to do xyz with her man and even would pick rings out that I wanted for that big moment. But then I experienced happiness in myself and loneliness with a man….

I started to think something was wrong with me. How could I become sadder with someone and be happier with alone? Isn’t that the exact opposite of what society says I should be doing? After taking many moments to assess myself and what could possibly be wrong with me, I realized I don’t hate love or connections — in fact I value them so much more when I don’t put the parameters of a relationship onto someone. Perhaps I don’t want to give someone that expectation of what a relationship should be and when I fall short, I’m to blame and vice versa. When we put a name to things, we put it into a box without knowing we did.

I know this sounds like I’m coping out of responsibility of my destructive behaviors but you could also look at it as I’m protecting myself and others from heartbreak. I know I’m not the best person to be in a relationship with. I’m selfish, I’m flighty, I’m constantly evolving which makes me seem a bit hypocritical at times. So why can’t I enjoy the thrill without the responsibility that comes with being in a relationship especially if I know I’m eventually going to leave and see what else is out there in life for me?

This leads me to my second point. People do not know how to date anymore. I’ve been on dates with men and the first question that came out their mouth was: what are you looking for in a husband? On the first date. We’re discussing marriage. On the first date. I simply reply with my signature: I’m not looking for a husband currently, I’m just dating and seeing where it goes. Let’s just say the conversation gets weird afterwards. Why do I have to prove to you that I could be your potential wife over breadsticks? You didn’t even let me get to my Caesar salad yet so now here we are knowing we’re never going to speak to one another again with three more courses to tend to. We live in a “I want to get to know you soon as I got your number to see if you’re my wife” generation. I will save you the time, I’m not your wife. You see, when we’re so focused on the outcome of things: kids, marriage, relationships, “building each other up”, etc. we don’t care who it’s with. We don’t see each other for people. We see each other’s potential and then we’re left dumbfounded when the other person doesn’t live up to those standards. You’re not looking at me as a women or a person. You’re looking at me as someone who could possibly carry your child and hold your last name. So now that I’ve fallen short on what YOU believe a wife should be, this relationship no longer works.

We fall in love with ideas. Not people. We fall in love with what they can do for us. Not them as a person. So you see, I rather tell you up front that I am not someone who enjoys relationships and even the thought of marriage. I respect love too much to give it to just anyone. Love is powerful. It’s a deeper connection than what you create someone’s potential to be. If you love the idea of marriage, you’ll settle for anyone who is ready for it even without the connection and depth is supposed to have. So I don’t hate love or marriage, I simply would rather create deeper connections with people and remain happy with myself.

10 Creative Summer Dates

The sun continues to shine later in the day and temperatures are starting to rise, which means summer is approaching. It’s the perfect time to wear shorts and sandals, go to the beach, and go on dates with your summer love. Here are 10 dates you should try this summer:

1. Go to a festival.

Festivals are a great place to eat, walk around, and listen to good music. If that sounds like something you and your partner are interested in, start by Googling the different festivals that are going to happen in your city or state. In Troy, Ohio, there’s a Strawberry Festival. In Chicago, Illinois, there’s a Taste of Chicago festival. Keep searching the internet until you find the festival for you.

2. Go to IKEA.

This date idea is perfect for the couple who plans to move in together soon. Grab a notepad and pen (or use your phone), some snacks and water, and pick your future apartment setup. With this date idea, you’ll learn more about each other’s personal interior decoration preferences and will be able to jot down the things you can agree on, while compromising on what you can’t. It’ll also be fun to figure out how to get out of that furniture and decor maze together.

3. Go to a drive-in movie.

This date idea is for those who love to go to the movies, but would rather have more privacy with their partner. Grab snacks, drinks, and a blanket before heading in. Try to arrive early so you have more options of where you’d like to park and watch the movie. Then, silence your phones and put them in the backseat. If you’re going to see a comedy, you can crack jokes and laugh as loud as you want without bothering anyone. If you’re going to see a horror movie, you can share the blanket with each other and take turns covering your eyes when things get too scary. No matter the movie, the privacy and intimacy you will experience from this date will be worth it.

4. Go on a photography hunt.

There are plenty of places to see and many memories to capture. This date idea is for the adventurous and sentimental couple. Do a little research about cities or monuments that you’ve always wanted to visit. You can stay in your state or take a mini road trip across the country this summer. Grab your poloraid, DSLR, or phone to capture the moment when you arrive to your destination. Don’t be shy about asking others to take photos of you together, either!

5. Build a fort.

For the couple who are kids at heart, this idea is for you. Grab sofa cushions, chairs, and blankets to create a fort in your home or apartment. When you complete the fort and get inside, tell each other stories about yourselves that the other person didn’t know before, play card games, and binge watch Netflix or Hulu. This fort is a small world that you created together, so you can say and do whatever you want without the outside world looking in.

6. People watch.

Anything can be a date including people watching. If you’d like to drive around town to do it, grab fast food, take turns with the AUX, and see if you can find someone doing something interesting. Or if you’d like to walk around, go to a park or an outlet mall. Take turns making up stories about why someone is in a certain store, what relationships relationships they have with the people around them. Get creative with it.

7. Have a video game night.

A couple who plays games together, stays together. Pick a day when you’re both free and get a few two player video games. If you’re playing a game where you’re on the same team, cheer each other on and get close. High-five when you win, hug when you lose, and do whatever else you want to do. If you’re playing a game where you’re competing against one another, make a bet out of it. Whoever loses buys dinner, washes the dishes, or has to take the winner on another date.

8. Watch a movie in a pool.

During the summer, some pools provide a movie night where they set up a large projector and play a movie while people swim or lay on a pool air mattress. They usually play something water-related like Jaws or Moana. Check to see if your local pools are planning an event like this or if you have your own pool, you can try to do something similar at home.

9. Go on a picnic.

Don’t go to a park you’ve been to a hundred times. Take your date somewhere that has a view. Picnic by a beach, lake, or on top of a hill that looks over a city. To make it even more romantic, try going early enough to watch the sunrise or late enough to watch the sunset. If you wanted this picnic to be a surprise, plan weeks in advance. Slowly ask your date questions about or try to pick up on their favorite foods, deserts, fruits, vegetables, and drinks.

10. Plan a staycation.

Stay at home or book a room at a hotel nearby for a couple days. Light candles, take bubble baths, do face masks, journal, read, get oil or lotion and give each other massages. Make it a relaxing and rejuvenating experience for the both of you.

Summer is a great time to enjoy the sun and be with someone who gives you butterflies. Whether you want to take someone on a date for the first time or have been dating your significant other for years, these date ideas can work for you. If you haven’t tried any of these date ideas before, try them out this summer.

Love Languages: How They Can Help Any Relationship

Many people know that communication is key in any relationship, but there are plenty of people who don’t communicate well with their loved ones. There are also various kinds of relationships that could be improved overall. Taking a quiz with the people you love on what your love languages are could help those problems.

There are five love languages:

  1. Words of Affirmation: Phrases involving compliments and words of encouragement are what the people in this category enjoy most from the people they love.

  2. Acts of Service: Whether you do something small like make your loved one tea or something big like driving three hours to pick them up when their car broke down, the people in this category appreciate when their loved ones do something for them.

  3. Receiving Gifts: Just like Acts of Service, whether the gift is small or big, the people in this category appreciate any gift and will see it as a way of showing them love.

  4. Quality Time: The people who fall under this category just want to know they can have your undivided attention every once in a while. You can sit in silence together and the person under this category wouldn’t even mind because you’ve taken the time to be with them.

  5. Physical Touch: The people in this category feel loved through simple actions such as hugging, holding hands and even just resting your head on their shoulder. Even if someone you know falls under this category, know the appropriate kind of physical touch they’d like or want from you. Don’t assume they like any kind of physical touch.

Now that you’ve gotten a quick rundown of each love language, you’re probably wondering, “How can this help me?”

Well, knowing what you can do for your loved one to make sure they know they’re loved would help in many ways. It would build your relationship with that person by showing them you know how they like to be treated as well as helping you feel more comfortable with communicating other things you may or may not like. Seeing the effort you’ve put in to show them the right kind of love based on their love language will make them want to do the same for you. It can help create a healthy “give and take” kind of relationship, if that’s not something you already have.

If your mom falls under the “Words of Affirmation” category, tell her every compliment that pops up in your head. Sometimes people have kind things to say, but decide not to say them. For this person, just say every positive thought you have of them when you have that thought––”I appreciate how you came to all of my basketball games in high school”, “I like your new perfume smell”, “You make the best french toast in the world”, etc. If you think it, just say it.

If your boyfriend falls under the “Acts of Service” category, do as many favors (that are reasonable) as you can. Literally anything will count. If they ask, “Hey, can you plug my phone in?” and you do it, that’s an act of service. If they’re stuck in a meeting and haven’t eaten all day, and you show up to drop off food for them, that’s an act of service. Anything that will take a little weight off of the person’s shoulders is appreciated.

If your best friend falls under the “Receiving Gifts” category, make everything seem like a gift. The people in this category tend to like surprises, and surprises can seem like a gift. Your best friend has been needing a good black pen for the past week. You happened to be at Walmart and saw a black pen you think they’d like. You give it to them, and that counts as a gift to them. If you know they love Arizona teas, you can get them one randomly, and that counts as a gift. This category sounds like they’d be hard to please, but the “gift” doesn’t have to be extravagant.

If your brother falls under the “Quality Time” category, spend any time you can with them. If you’re a busy person, try to schedule a day to play games or go bowling or whatever you know your brother likes to do. If you’re not a busy person, hangout with them any chance you get. If you see your brother watching TV in the living room, sit down and watch with him. If you noticed he’s been eating pizza rolls all week, ask if he’d like to go to the grocery store with you and make a real meal when you get back. For this person, you just have to show them that you’re willing to make time for them.

If you made a new friend and they tell you their love language is “Physical Touch”, ask them what kind of physical touch they like. Knowing this is crucial, because although they might like it generally, there are some places that might be a no-go zone for them. Some people don’t like being grabbed by the arm or getting touched by another person’s feet––you have to find out the specifics. If your new friend happens to be crying, you could probably comfort them best with a hug rather than words, gifts or getting them to watch something on Netflix because you know their love language is “Physical Touch”. The person under this category likes physical touch, but know where the lines are and when the best time to do it is.

See all of the ways you can implement love languages in your life? Taking this simple quiz helps you and those who take it with you understand what each of you needs to feel loved, and can help lead to conversations of what you don’t like as well. This could help create a stronger connection between you, your family, friends and significant others in an easy, comfortable way.

Give it a try. Take the quiz to find out what your primary love language is: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

What To Do After A Bad Fight With Your Partner

As with all relationships, couples disagree on things. There are a few key factors however that differenciate lasting, loving couples from the rest. Here are some tips on how to get your relationship back on track after an intense argument.

If you’re in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship, that’s one thing. Sometimes you just need to know when it’s time to call it quits. But if we all gave up after every fight, everyone would end up alone don’t you think?. So let’s assume for the sake of me writing this that you’re in an otherwise healthy overall loving and supportive relationship and just need to shake off a recent fight. You’ve said some things you regret. Maybe even did something you wish you could take back. Here are a few ways to bounce back after you’ve both decided the fight is over.

Don’t Drag It Out

When the dust has settled after a fight, your emotions might still be running high. You may be tempted to throw in some last minute passive-aggressive jabs or things you thought of post argument that sounded good and you still want to get it out. Maybe you want to make your point. Maybe you just want to get back at the other person to make sure the pain is matched that you’re feeling currently. Either way, these jabs, as small as they may be, only prolong the nastiness.

It’s easy to disguise these remarks as jokes, too. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t have a sense of humor about things, but you’re probably both a little sensitive after an argument. Your partner might take a joke the wrong way. Here’s what HelpGuide has to say about it:

Humor can only help you overcome relationship problems when both partners are in on the joke. It’s important to be sensitive to the other person’s current feelings. If your partner or friend isn’t likely to appreciate the joke, don’t say or do it, even if it’s “all in good fun.” When the joking is one-sided rather than mutual, it’s deemed as mean and it undermines trust and goodwill which can damage the relationship.

This is usually the stage where you might feel like you’re walking on eggshells until things go back to normal, but this is way better than prolonging the fight.

Give Them Space

Give them a little space, but also take some space yourself. After things get ugly, you will need some time alone to reflect, recover, or heal. Yhis is healthy. You might need to not be around your partner altogether while the bulk of your negative feelings pass, and that’s okay too.

However, if your partner needs space and you don’t, it can be disconcerting on your part. Here are some things to keep in mind:

  • Avoid clinging: Sometimes one partner want space after a fight, whereas the other feels clingy and wants to rush things back to normal. It might feel satisfying to have your partner nearby, but the time they take to reflect can strengthen the relationship in the long-term. Being clingy can also make things worse when that person needs to take a time out.

  • Reflect: Take the time to focus on your own thoughts and feelings, too. Look at where you went wrong and where you can improve during the next disagreement.

  • Don’t punish them: If your partner says he or she needs some time alone, respect that. Don’t take it personally and later withhold yourself from them as a retaliating punishment.

In an interview with the Wall Street Journal’s Elizabeth Bernstein, psychologist Dr. Hal Shorey explains that it’s important to wait to talk. Space can give you the necessary time to cool down:

“You don’t want to have a discussion while the other person is still hot,” Dr. Shorey says. “I can’t tell you how many people will think it’s better to say right away: ‘I’m sorry. I was a jerk.’ And the other person says, ‘Yes, you were.’ And then the argument escalates again.”

Of course, if you need space, you may want to reassure your partner that you love them and things will be okay. ” I love you but I just need some time.”

A little emotional support can go a long way, even if you need to go cool off.

Communicate Productively

Now I know this is super cliche, but communication really is key in any relationship. To get back on track with your partner, it’s important to understand and communicate how you feel about the situation, respectively. Even if you don’t know how you feel, or you feel like you need time alone, you should let the other person know where you stand. It can be hard to communicate honestly and calmly after a fight, but eHow puts it this way:

Go out of your way to be open with them, no matter how hard it may seem as first. If you do not know what your partner expects of you and they doesn’t know what you expect of them, you are both setting yourself up for a lot of misunderstandings and a potentially big disaster and dissappointment.

If you’re having a more detailed conversation to reflect on the fight, keep a couple of things in mind to keep from opening up recent wounds:

Give up the need to be right: Accept responsibility for how you made your partner feel. For the well-being of the relationship, give up the need to drive home your point.

Don’t be defensive: This goes hand-in-hand with the above. If your behavior made your partner feel a certain way, give up your need to defend yourself. This could keep the argument going. Accept their feelings and consider the big picture. If you really feel you need to clarify why you behaved a certain way, you can always do this later, when the fight is truly over and things have calmed down.

Accept that the relationship might take some time to fully heal, but schedule some time to check back in about where you stand after some time has passed. This could be especially useful for more intense fights.

It may also be helpful to come to an agreement and set boundaries and rules for the future. In reflecting on the fight, consider what you could do differently next time. The University of Texas’ Mental Health Center has some ground rules to get you started:

Deal with only one issue at a time. Don’t introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. This avoids the “kitchen sink” effect where people throw in all their complaints while not allowing anything to be resolved. No hitting below the belt. Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability. Avoid accusations. Accusations will lead others to focus on defending themselves rather than on understanding you. Instead, talk about how someone’s actions made you feel.

Be Kind

It’s rarely productive or a good idea to force things, but there’s something to be said for “fake it til you make it.” Remember why you fell in love with that person in the first place! When you find yourself in a funky mood after a fight, sometimes it helps to simply be kind and affectionate to each other. eHow explains this:

Show a little love and caring by sharing sweet words and actions. Relationships often experience hostility and resentment when one or both parties feel unappreciated or unloved… Whether it is engaging in small acts of affection (such as giving your boyfriend a pat on the back as you walk out the house in the morning) or sending him a “just because I care” text message when he’s at work, the little things can go a long way.

This may not work as well if you’re still really steamed. But it’s a good start if you’re feeling stuck. A little kindness could serve as a reminder that you care about each other, and you care about the relationship and are in this together. You don’t have to pretend like nothing happened; it’s just a little nudge in the right direction.

Talk To a Professional

If you’re really having trouble seeing eye-to-eye, it could be that the conflict isn’t truly over. In this case, it might be best to talk to a professional. A counselor or therapist can help you understand your feelings and work through them in one way or another.

Recovering from a fight can take time. Even if you’ve both agreed that the fight is over, it can be hard to move past that situation and get back to where you were. Ultimately, communication, understanding, and respect will do well to get your relationship back on track.

Dating in College: Abstinence or Not

In 2018 dating is a whole thing. Everyone wants to tell everyone the right and wrong way to do it, who to do it with, when to do it etc. Sure some of this advice is helpful but sometimes it goes back to the old joke of the relationship advice expert being single. One of the most challenging times to date for some people is college. It can be difficult balancing academic tasks and dating life or it may be hard to find people that want more than that thing (that thing, that thing, that thiiing). As cliche as it sounds people may even begin dating outside of their usual sexual preferences (A.K.A experimenting) I surveyed a few current and former college students to see how dating went/is going for them during their time at school.

Brandy (Female, 19, Class of 2020)

Paul: Did/do you practice abstinence while dating in college?

Brandy: I did.

Paul: Did practicing abstinence while dating make things easier or harder?

Brandy: It made things easier, I was more focused on my schoolwork. Plus there wasn’t any drama with guys or anything.

Paul: How was balancing dating and schoolwork for you?

Brandy: Pretty easy to me, I didn’t get my feelings involved if it wasn’t anything serious so it wasn’t hard for me to stay focused. So basically I just put myself before anything else.

Paul: I feel that. Would you say you learned anything new from the guys you dated?

Brandy: I guess not to give myself up easily. Also, to state what my intentions are because if you don’t then they’ll just try and do what they want with you.

Kennadi (Female, 19, Class of 2021)

Paul: Did/do you practice abstinence while dating in college?

Kennadi: It depends but mostly no. I’m really in between.

Paul: Does not being abstinent make things easier or harder when dating?

Kennadi: It could be either way to be honest. You can have sex and have a nice fling going with somebody or you can have sex with somebody and they ghost you after. I think it’s really about the people you deal with. But having sex doe put that extra stress of trying to doge pregnancy and STDs.

Paul: How was balancing schoolwork and dating for you?

Kennadi: For me it wasn’t hard, school always comes first. It’s just about managing your time.

Paul: Did you learn anything from the guys you dated?

Kennadi: People will treat you however you let them.

Kenya (Female, 23, Class of 2017)

Paul: Did you date while you were in college?

Kenya: Yes

Paul: Did you practice abstinence while you were dating?

Kenya: No

Paul: Did that make things easier for you?

Kenya: Up to my junior year I was in a long term relationship. But, my boyfriend wasn’t in school with me. It was beneficial but at the same time it wasn’t. The distance caused him to assume I was cheating/”getting it from someone else” but I wasn’t. It was easier to practice abstinence because I didn’t see him too regularly but when I was with him I wasn’t abstinent.

Paul: How was balancing school and dating?

Kenya: It was actually annoying most of the time. Mainly, because of trust issues and distance as well as scheduling conflicts. Also, he didn’t have a car so I was only travelling to see him. Sometimes I’d get back to campus late because of traffic (I was an hour and a half away) but I never planned to go out anywhere in general unless I was completely done with all my assignments or only had some very minor work to do.

Paul: Did you learn anything from the relationship?

Kenya: OH BOY. Okay #1: You can’t have a relationship without trust. Period. #2: Communication is vital to make sure the both of you are on the same page about things. Like knowing if you’re in the relationship for the right reason and stuff like that. #3: My happiness matters. I learned that I don’t need to compromise my happiness for someone else’s. Also, just because it’s your first love, it doesn’t mean it will be your only love. You shouldn’t feel like you need to stay in something just because you feel like you’ll never be able to achieve it again.

Jamaal (Male, 23, Class of 2018)

Paul: Did/do you date while in college?

RJ: I did, but I won’t anymore.

Paul: Were you abstinent while you were dating?

RJ: Nah I wasn’t.

Paul: Would you say that made things easier or harder?

RJ: I’d say it made things easier at first but hard after awhile.

Paul: Can you elaborate on that for me?

RJ: Like at first it was cool having relations but it got old and tiring after awhile.

Paul: Dang, that’s very interesting. How was balancing school and dating?

RJ: I tried to make sure my partner was on top of their school work and vice versa and at times we’d do schoolwork together.

Paul: Did you learn any learn any life lessons from the people you’ve dated?

RJ: Never go back.

Paul: Can you elaborate?

RJ: I’m talking to the girl I was in a relationship with freshman year and things are worse this time around even though we’re older.

Paul: Jeez I’m sorry to hear that man.

Kahlil (Male, 20, Class of 2020)

Paul: Did/Will you date while in school?

Kahlil: I have actually.

Paul: Did you practice abstinence while you were dating?

Kahlil: We didn’t have sex all the time, but we had sex.

Paul: Did that make things easier or harder?

Kahlil: It made things easier. There was a mutual understanding. The only complication was figuring out exactly when it was desired.

Paul: How was balancing schoolwork and the relationship?

Kahlil: It’s pretty simple. You do your work together or do it on your own time.

Paul: Would you say you learned any life lessons from the relationship?

Kahlil: Many lessons brother!

Paul: Such as?

Kahlil: Boundaries, it’s important to give your significant other their space. It’s okay to see them all the time but remember they need their time for classes and their social life as well. You learn to compromise and see life from their perspective, you have to respect their views and opinions.